Finding Joy in the Journey

     Well first of all, I need a good kick in the pants! I LOVE doing family history and reading their stories. Stories are everything and I feel like I get to really know people by their stories. I just know that my and my family's story need to be written down (or typed) for our future generations. I admit I  have slacked off terribly. SO much has happened in our "little herd" since my last posting. The title for this post is one that I have had trouble swallowing. My journey lately, as I see it, has not been joyful. In fact, I used to see it as a crap hole. I didn't step back and take a moment to let the joy I do have creep into my heart and mind. I was only focusing on the worst things going on, and rightfully and humanly so. So before I begin, let's catch you up.
     So after having Riggins, I started a dance studio in my garage and we started with around 50 students. I am now into my 5th year and we have over 100 dancers and 4 instructors. It's crazy and very time consuming, but I love it. I was Primary President for 2 years and was released two months ago. Life was very stressful for me during that time, but now I can breath a little more. I am now serving in the Nursery as Nursery Coordinator. I have been doing little home renovations here and there. I love updating my house and being able to add a little of me to it since we didn't build it. Eric is fully involved with Andar and works very hard. That man is a determined one and he most always gets what he goes for. He just won a weight loss contest with Vasayo and banked $2500.00 in cash! I was so extremely proud of him. He is still with Vasayo as well. He works very hard to provide for us. We love him. He is also serving as a Stake Auditor. Avery is now 10 (double digits already) and is turning into a beautiful young lady. She is a spitting image of me. She is a great little dancer and tumbler. She loves life and is a perfectionist like her mom and gets frustrated when she doesn't get it the first time. We are working on that. She loves the color green. She will be going into the 5th grade at Sage Hills Elementary. She plays the piano and she is learning the Ukulele along with me. Remi is now 8 and was baptized last December on the 15th. It was beautiful and Remi felt the spirit. Remi is also a great dancer and is working on her tumbling skills and is very close to her back handspring and her side aerial. She is a great little piano player. We are working on her responsibility and how to own up to things and to be a little more tidy, haha. That is Remi though. She will be in 3rd grade this fall. She is still our sweetheart. She loves to cuddle and play with her siblings and her little friends, especially Lily. She loves the color yellow. Avery and Remi along with Lucy and Lily have even built and decorated a little snack shack to sell items out of. They love it and call it the "4 Amigos". We know the spanish grammar is male, and some guy even had to call them out on it. This world is just getting to be to ridiculous now days. Now on to Big Rigg... Riggins is almost 5 (in October) and is just the BOY and JOY in our home. He LOVES superheroes, video games, HotWheels cars, and playing with friends. He loves the color red. He is super tall for his age. He missed the deadline for school, so he has one more year at Chica Chica Boom Boom preschool with Miss Angela. He loves it there and loves his friends at school. Can't believe that next year he goes to Kindergarten! He does speech therapy at the elementary school once a week and it is doing him good. We are still working on certain letter sounds and his grammar use. He did spring soccer and is signed up for fall soccer which starts next month. It is fun to watch him play. He doesn't really fully understand the game, and that can frustrate Eric- haha. That catches us up.
      Eric and I have tried to add another child to our family for the last two and a half years. We have been tested and everything is fine. I was on Clomid and we just couldn't conceive. So I had an appointment set to go and fix my only tube and move on from this. Two weeks before the appointment, I took a test just to get rid of it since I was cleaning out drawers in the bathroom. It came up positive! I couldn't believe it. I sent it to Eric, who was in Texas on business. I cried and thanked our Heavenly Father for 20 minutes in my closet. Eric was on Cloud 9. I called the doctor to see if they could give me an ultrasound just to make sure it was where it needed to be. So we went in, and the tech wasn't saying much. I knew something wasn't right. But she said come in next week and we will do another one. So we came back and the tech and the doctor decided to send us to a specialist in Provo later that afternoon. We heard the heart beat and it sounded good. So we were very hopeful. They were concerned with how low in the uterus the embryo was. We went and ate lunch at the Blue Street Grill in American Fork (which has now closed down) and I was crying and having a hard time. Then the specialist (who was also the doctor who gave my brother, Derek, the news of their little girl, Emerson that she had passed) and another specialist from New York was there did the ultrasound and thought that it was a Ceserian ectopic but then decided they couldn't really conclude it. He then called the University of Utah hospital and set up an appointment up there for me to have another ultrasound done because they deal with this rare case a lot more so they would know better. The next day we headed up to the University. They did the ultrasound and they didn't say anything to me for 20 minutes. I knew it wasn't good. Then the radiologist came in and gave Eric and I the news that it was a Ceserian Ectopic. Basically, the embryo was growing half in the uterus and half into the scar tissue. Then they had a OBGYN come in and tell me that we needed surgery because this is very serious and I can have my uterus rupture and bleed and that I needed to stay and they would find a room for me and then I would have to wait til they were able to add me into surgery. I wouldn't be able to eat or drink until then. So Eric and I were upset how this was all going down. Our insurance wasn't even a part of the hospital that we were SENT to. So Eric made calls and so did the doctor and the financial department and we were able to have our insurance cover us. We were given the ok to go to the cafeteria to let me eat one last time. I was a mess. I was a mess physically and spiritually. I was hurt and angry. Eric was heartbroken, but kept his composure for me. They finally got me a room an hour later. We got settled in. Eric had to go home and get my things since I had nothing with me. We called family members and let them know what was happening and Amber had my kids during all this. Eric had to break the news to the kids. I cried because I knew how excited they were to have a baby in the house. I was Marco Poling with my dear friends/neighbors about what was happening. We shared some very private stories and feelings and grew very close. I remember being so hungry and thirsty. They started an IV on me but had to do it in my hand and that was the worst. It hurt constantly to the point I wanted to pull it out. I cried all night long after Eric left me to go home to sleep. I just prayed and cried and asked him to take the baby so it wouldn't feel anything. I thought how unfair life is and why couldn't Heavenly Father fix it. I was very bitter. Why was he sending children to people who hurt them or don't want them when there are so many people who would take them and love them. Why after praying for something for so long did he give us what we were asking for to just take it away? The next day I finally got my surgery time which was around 3:00 pm. They took me in and the Anesthesiologist was explaining everything and I remember crying and then waking up and feeling so sore. It was over just like that. I had them clamp my tube while they were in surgery. I felt guilty. Guilt for putting an end to our future family. I just couldn't do it anymore. With all that I have been through, I was done. Eric and I both had a feeling it was a little boy and we were going to name him Griffin James. Eric and I saw and heard the name Griffin every where. Eric even had an experience in the waiting room, while I was in surgery. A lady was taking around a support dog for people to pet, and Eric over heard her say the name of the dog. It was Griffin. That was crazy. I was cleared to go home that night. Eric took me to get some cheese fries and some FOOD finally. I was sore for weeks. I hated the constant reminder of it all. I just knew that baby was suppose to be here with me. I struggled with prayer and scripture study after this. And honestly, I still do but it is getting better slowly. I just felt abandoned and that he wasn't with me. He could have easily fixed it. Where was my miracle? I felt entitled to one. But he didn't do anything. I had a good talk with my mom about it all. She said if he helped everyone, he would cease to be God because then he is interfering with the law of mortality which is what we signed up for when we chose to come to earth. I understood, but it still didn't make the feelings I had go away. I see women who are expecting, the baby isle in stores, new babies, and it hurts my heart but I am thrilled for them. I see women who yearn to be mothers or struggle with infertility and my heart aches for them. I have been on both sides of the spectrum and I truly understand all the feelings. Eric and I are very blessed with the children we have been blessed with. We know that with every fiber of our being now. Even though this pst loss was very hurtful to both Eric and I but we are finding "Our Joy in Our Journey".